What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 05:40
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I said to her
What are some creepy bestiality-promoting questions obviously asked for sexual gratification?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She married twice! .
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
He knew the spot.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Would this be the day?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!